Questioning

I just posted a day or so ago, but after our church program I think it is important to post again.

Jarred and I have been trying to have kids. We have tried the natural way, but also through adoption. I think that this has taken a bigger toll on me and my faith then on Jarred. I think about it all the time and can't seem to stop thinking about having kids. I have wanted to be a mother since I was a teenager, but knew it would be best to wait until I was older and settled before even trying. Now I just keep thinking that it would have been easy had I started younger. With the medical problems I have it is so hard to get pregnant. Being around so many people who have "no problem" getting pregnant is so hard for me. I am a joyous person and love celebrating everyone's news, but it is hard for me to keep celebrating everyone's pregnancies when I haven't been able to get pregnant. It is even harder when we go to adoption interviews and then aren't chosen. Most of my friends have either had kids or are currently pregnant. With all of this it has been so hard for me to keep my faith as strong as I would like it to be.

I know that God is with us and that he has a plan, but the longer it takes for us to have kids or finally adopt the more my faith drops. I don't know how to deal with this and sometimes I just don't feel strong enough to deal with it anymore. A lot of this is one of the reasons why this year I haven't been going to church as often as we use to. Our church family is great and I love being with them, but I feel like God has just left me. He has been given good news to so many of my good friends or other people that I know, but I have yet again been left out of this. Then when I hear of people getting pregnant with their second or third child it gets worse. Also hearing of those parents who have had kids and then take their child's life is so hard on me also. Why would God give someone a child who just turns around and takes that's child life, but not give a family who really wants a child and would care for them in the best way possible one? This question is one that has me questioning everything.

I've been going to church since I was 5 years old. I loved being under the roof of God. I knew that he was important and really enjoyed learning about him. I understood just about everything that was being taught and loved the everlasting love that one gains from just believing and knowing that God is there. When I went away to college I didn't go to church because there wasn't one around that I felt comfortable in unless I was with my in-laws. I did go with my in-laws when I was there, but that wasn't often. Then when I went home during the summers I started working all the time and didn't go as often as I would have liked. Once Jarred and I moved to my grandpas we didn't go because we knew we wouldn't be around long enough and didn't want to be in a church and then have to find a new one. Now we are in a place and plan to stay. Our church family is awesome, but of course they can't "help" our situation any. 

How do I continue to keep the faith when I feel so heavily that God is letting me down so much?

The Christmas Program today at my church was great and really made me question how I have been feeling. I know that there is a God, I believe in him, but I am still having trouble following him and worshiping him the way I feel it should be done because of how I fell "abandoned" by him.  I feel my faith falling, know that I need to do something to keep it on the right track, but I just don't know where to start when I feel so left alone.

God is here and is always here, but how does one who is losing faith because of one reason or another get that strong faith back and continue to push forward in life when they feel like they are being taunted. Everyone else I know has what I want and I don't know how to be around it or handle it anymore. I think one of these days I am just going to break down.